Offending Muslims

I’m about to transcribe a video because I feel it’s worth it:

Like anyone else who criticizes the religion of peace, I get my share of violent threats from single brain celled organisms masquerading as human beings. Indeed, to call some of my correspondents deranged and moronic would be excessively polite and, well, tantamount to flattery. Some of it, though can be quite amusing, and this week i’ve been accused of singling out a billion Muslims.

Well, You know, I always say, if you’re going to single people out, you might as well do it a billion at a time, or you’ll be there all day. Seriously, If anybody knows how to single out a billion muslims, I’d be interested to hear the technique. It sounds tricky and complicated. If science found a way to achieve it, imagine where that technology might take us. After all, if you can single out a billion, surely you can single out a *trillion*. Imagine that; a trillion Muslims, all nicely singled out and ready to go. It sounds absurd and impossible, doesn’t it? So i’m sure we’ll find the answer somewhere in quantum physics.

Obviously when I say we, I won’t be participating in the search myself, because I’m an ignoramus unfortunately, but I will be keen to use the technology when it becomes available, so I can safely and conveniently single out a billion – or a trillion – Muslims at a time, whenever the need arises.

Another thing that you’re bound to hear if you criticize the religion of permanent offence, is that sooner or later, some pompous arse will grandly accuse you of having offended a billion Muslims, as if anyone is supposed to care. Andy it’s always said with such laughable solemnity as if a kind of sacred line has been crossed – ‘The one *billion* muslim’ line – Yeah, It’s a line, alright.

Let me tell you something; if you’ve never offended a billion Muslims, I recommend it. You can almost feel the shock wave going around the planet as two billion hands are thrown up in horror… well, maybe not quite two billion when you take into account all the convicted shoplifters and other petty criminals, not to mention all the women who are afraid to do anything at all without their husband’s permission, because if they do, they’ll be beaten to a pulp. Especially if they happen to live in the insane asylum we know as Pakistan, where 90% of women suffer from regular domestic violence, and a thousand women a year are murdered by members of their own family.

Yet this doesn’t seem to offend the billion Muslims any more than it offends progressive western feminists, who we know are far too politically correct and self absorbed to give a damn.

One thing I’ve noticed is that these billion Muslims only ever seem to get *really* offended by trivial things like words and pictures, which are usually enough to bring, if not a billion, certainly thousands of them into the streets for an orgy of rioting and killing, for which we in the West have to take full responsibility, and follow up with a round of apologising and appeasing and placating, when really, we should be blaming the Jews.

What do mean, you want evidence? Who needs evidence to blame Jews? Well, alright, if you insist. Thanks to modern technology, much of it Israeli – no coincidence there, I feel – a person today can Blaspheme on one side of the world, and Muslims on the other side can know about it and be rioting and killing each other in seconds.

Those crafty Jews, what will they think of next? Actually, come to think of it, isn’t that rather haraam (forbidden)? Not rioting and killing each other, obviously because that comes straight out of the mosque with the full blessing of the clerics, and that would make *them* haraam… If only.

No, I’m talking about Israeli technology. How haraam is that? It’s got to be double haraam with a cherry on top, minimum surely? Ah, but luckily for the Muslim world, Hypocrisy is *not* haraam, it’s very much halal, indeed,  it’s a veritable staple among the frequently invoked one billion Muslims who are always offended by all the wrong things.

They’re not offended for example, by a religion that sanctions marriage for prepubescent girls or punishes women for being raped – not a whisper of protest there. Everybody’s busy looking at the floor.

Nor are they offended in the slightest, it seems, by the widespread persecution of gay people or religious minorities throughout the Muslim world. And this is because the people who typically invoke a billion Muslims are not offended by these things either, which is why the only response they truly deserve, and I hope the only response they will ever get, is a billion – non-Muslim – middle fingers… With all due respect.

– Pat Condell


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